Grief is such a powerful emotion. When most think of grief, I think we assume grief with tears, sorrow and mourning. But its much more than that– it’s anger, it’s pity, it’s sympathy, it’s worry, it’s….numbness….and I guess that’s what I am feeling right now. Numbness. Not sure how to react or reach out to make the appropriate gestures to my loved ones…
My Pawpaw is dying. A week ago he was told he has brain cancer….Tuesday we were told it had spread and while treatment might prolong his life a bit, it was too far gone to be cured and given his age, they weren’t even sure if his body could survive the treatment. Other than that, there wasn’t much that could be done for him other than to make him comfortable….
My grandfather has been a big part of my life. He and my grandmother were there for me when everyone else in the world had shut me out and left me on my own…I lived with them on and off many times…..he babysat my son when he was a baby….he gave me away at my wedding……he’s a good, good man.
So when he decided to go home for hospice care, both my aunts took control and jumped in to make sure my grandmother was looked after and transported back and forth to the hospital while he was there. They have stayed over night, helped set up his equipment at home, and been there for my grandmother to rely on while she herself struggles to accept what comes next.
In an odd way, I suppose I am like my mother when it comes to how I handle grief….I don’t. I can’t process past the shock. Shock of knowing something that everyone on earth already knows as a fact…we all will die one day.
No one wants to think about the day when their loved ones time has come up, but sooner or later, we all face it.
Am I wrong for not wanting to see him like this? Is it wrong to hold back my tears and to take time to tell him just how much he has influenced my life? I don’t think I could handle it. I don’t want him to see my sadness. I’m afraid it will make him anxious and scared. I’m afraid my grandmother–the strongest woman I know–will break down. She will need to lean on us. And that has always been the opposite.
What do I say to him? Do I take my teenage daughter and 20 year old son to see their grandpa in this state? I’ve never experienced this type of loss in all of my thirty nine years here. And I am grateful for that–but now, now I am an adult and I am supposed to know what to do….but I don’t…. I really, truly don’t.
I want to extend help and to be there for what they need but I guess the word I’m looking for is…..I’m scared.
Is this normal? To standoff during times like these? To recluse back to my self and stay out of the way? I absolutely have no idea what to do next.
Once again I am going to try blogging. I miss writing and often have ideas but never take the time to get them out before I forget them. I’ve always wanted to write a novel and when I was younger, I could sit and write for hours and it seemed like the ideas never stopped flowing.
Sometime shortly after “adulthood”, I lost my motivation and along with it, my ideas. As a very private and introverted person, writing has always been my muse. I can always get my points across in writing without becoming too emotional or overreacting. When I have something truly bothering me or something I’m very passionate about when it comes to my own opinions, I have always felt more thorough and am able to complete my thoughts by getting them out in writing. I’m not sure why that is, but its the way I’ve always been.
This blog is a personal outlet–to laugh, cry, rage, smile, share and just get this jumbled chaos of thoughts I’ve held in for over twenty years out. Whether or not anyone reads, follows, or identifies with any of the content I plan to share, I truly have no idea. But hopefully it will suffice for me, my sanity, and getting rid of this writers block, that will allow me to follow my dreams and finally get around to writing that novel of mine.